There is no longer a homogeneous prescribed
life plan for you - as there has been for past generations. It is now typical for individuals in their 20-30s to take a more individualized approach to life and ask the questions “Who am I?” “Why am I doing what I do?”, “What is the purpose of this all?” and “What do I want my life to look like?” By doing this it allows young adults to slow down and be more intentional in creating a life that aligns with their beliefs more and not just blindly walking the path that was set before them.
Parts of you might feel empowered by figuring out and listening to your wants and needs and utilizing them to shape what your future looks like. And other parts may feel quite anxious and grief stricken feeling that they’ve betrayed the path that was paved for you by society and your family.
Maybe your chosen path ended up being slightly or quite different then what you (or others) thought your life would look like. And though it may be more normalized to take some time and think about these questions and not just play follow the leader through life - it does not mean that it is easy, comfortable or encouraged by those in your life and the structures that maintain our society.
In addition to navigating all the ruffles this has caused within your external relationships, you will also have to address your internal thoughts and feelings about stepping outside of the preset expectations for your life path and meeting your needs in a different way. Without space to process and sort through all this in a non judgmental way - it can bring on some pretty intense shame ridden thoughts and keep you locked into some pretty unhelpful patterns.
How the conflict of not meeting preset expectations shows up in your day to day life
Highly self critical
Difficult to see the positive in self and others. See criticalness as one of the only true motivators for being and doing better.
never feeling settled
Once you meet your goal, the goal shifts. Never allowing you to feel accomplished and settled with a decision made.
lack of purpose
Struggle to find true meaning and connection behind anything that you do. Going through the motions of work, friendships, life…
Feel selfish
Picking yourself and your wants over what others want for you does not feel empowering or right - it feels like you are betraying others and being selfish and ungrateful.
Frequent frustration
Feeling like your fuse is so short oftentimes leading to critical thoughts (beating yourself or others up).
Low mood
Struggles to find the energy to do daily tasks, be social or maintain a consistent self care routine.
Feeling lost
Not quite knowing what you want, struggles being able to put into words how you feel or what you want to see next for your life.
flawed human
Belief that you are broken because you have not achieved X, done Y or believe Z, etc.
How you can Explore it by yourself…
Figuring out what you want from life can be difficult when you have so much coming at you - all the time. Take a break from social media and other communication devices. You are among the first generations to grow up in a world driven by digital technology - and having instant access to so much information has its benefits – but it also might leave you feeling overwhelmed with the never-ending notifications, options, comparisons and opinions posed on every little thing.
Also, remind yourself that you are not alone in this struggle. Though social media or looking at your friends lives from the outside may make it seem otherwise - everyone struggles with mismatch in their wants vs meeting the vision set out for them in some form or fashion. It is okay to not have it all figured out - nothing is wrong with you - it is okay to not be okay.
Finally, allow yourself some time to jump out of your direct micro experience or problem and focus on the macro picture for a little bit. I know it can be scary to shift your focus from the actionable item, but slow down and get curious about what else is online (thoughts, feelings, sensations…). Are there some fears keeping certain patterns in place? Specific judgments you have towards certain parts of yourself? Stick with that curiosity and keep exploring to get more “data” on why you are the way you are in hopes to better understand and have compassion for the space you are currently in.
How I can help…
In counseling, we will get to know and build relationships with the parts of you that have worked so hard to meet those expectations placed on you by yourself, others and our world.
This will allow you to become more aware of your internal responses, as well as help you recognize and bring awareness to the various patterns that run your life. Counseling can provide a space for you to sort out your thoughts and feelings and unsubscribe from the expectations that were placed on you without your consent.
By doing this with intentionality– it will create space for you to pause and see what is working for you - and do more of that - as well as sort out what is no longer serving you and release those thoughts, beliefs or behaviors.
This heightened understanding and new way of relating to those expectations inside of us can bring a greater sense of connection to self and others, less self-critical thoughts, decrease in anxiety symptoms and feeling more empowered to make decisions and follow through on plans that reflect your renewed sense of self and purpose.
Other specializations: emotional suppression, perfectionism, and expectations
